Part Eight: Lady Madonna Caesar Ciccone

Looks like we dodged a bullet my fellow Lemmings and we have Caesar Ciccone to thank.

Lady Madonna, children at your feet, how did you manage to save my seat?

That is right, super shiksa turned rabid pseduo-poser Jew Esther is going to save the world. She has a multi-faceted plan to eliminate the world’s nuclear waste and feed all the starving. Her plan is so simple, so basic that it has to work. All Hail Caesar Ciccone!

Phase one of her plan started when the Kabbalah Center sponsored some company called “Oroz”. According to the Sunday London Times, Oroz is a “’23rd-century’ research body in New York that heralded a “breakthrough” in neutralizing radioactive waste”. They claim to have created some liquid that cleaned Lake Glyboke located in Chernobyl three years ago. They also claim they can “treat gynaecological problems in cows and sheep”, so there doubters! That is impressive: an end to bovine yeast infections.

So impressed with these results, Caesar Ciccone rushed off three years later to “Downing Street, Whitehall and British Nuclear Fuels (BNFL)” to begin her plan to save the world. They took her as serious as NASA took me that time I told them I found an alien living in my appendix. They claimed “the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks”. Always remember to nevermind the bollocks.

Besides, I am giving her too much credit for altruism. Save the world? I mean conquer it. Her vanity compels her to explain her plan like some villain from a Bond flick.

“I can write the greatest songs and make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn’t a world to conquer, what’s the point?”

While the world is far from being in great shape right now, I really am concerned about how Caesar Ciccone would rule the world. I mean think about the fact that she already thinks she can “write the greatest songs”. I would love to hear one of those opposed to the crap she has been releasing almost my entire life. I mean if "Material Girl" and "Justify my Love" are the greatest songs then I will stick with GWB for leadership. Thanks though. Same goes for “the most fabulous films” she has made. Who's That Girl?, Desperately Seeking Susan, Swept Away: these films made me envy Helen Keller. I cannot comment on the fashion icon status she claims. It was probably true 20 years ago, but times change. I have not seem many people walking around in tights and fishnets with thigh-high boots these days.

The second phase of her plan was kept quiet until her publicist slipped in a recent denial to MSNBC.

When asked about this magic Kabbalah water issue, Madonna’s rep said “Better to talk about her current obsession — building an orphanage in [the AIDS ravaged African nation of] Malawi,” she noted, “kind of adopting an entire country.”

Lady Madonna, baby at your breast. Looking charitable to get some positive press.

Has helping Africa become the latest status symbol in Hollywood? I know "USA for Africa" did good in the 80's and got positive press, but what started the recent craze of Hollywood helping Africa? It has just gotten ridiculous now. Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Jessica Simpson, Alyssa Milano, and any other positive press hungry celebrity or paparazzi victim just has to high tail it over to Africa to do some humanitarian work. I would probably believe the “good” in their motives more if they did not bring the press with them every time. Notice Madonna is suddenly building an orphanage in Africa around the same time she can not get the press to say anything about her except Kabbalah this or crucify that?

Doing some research (aka typing “celebrity Africa” into Google) I came across an article written by Alex Williams of the New York Times News Service who noticed the same trend. His article deals more with the good they have done for Africa, which is great, but I have problems with them using the poor as a shield from bad press. I should have looked at this before I started writing, but oh well. I have written this much so I cannot stop and you have read this far so you cannot stop.

In his story, he quotes Daniel Millenson, a Brandeis University sophomore who is a leader of the Sudan Divestment Task Force, who releaves my wonder by answering an unrelated question asked by Mr. Williams.

"The issue is very popular because it can attract people from both sides, whether they support the war in Iraq or not,"

I know it was not the context he was speaking in, but this answer works for my question as well. Yes, Africa has become the latest status symbol in Hollywood because trying to be political has hurt many of their careers. Dixie Chicks anyone?

I guess this means that I can blame Bush for this in an indirect way. Had he not invaded Iraq and forced Hollywood to support or oppose him, then Hollywood would not feel the need to pretend they care about something inorder to regain their fans. I have already told you that Yes, everything goes back to politics with me.

I must give Madonna Caesar Ciccone some credit at this point. At least she admits her goal is conquer the world. I must admire that kind of honesty. I just think she should follow the old cliché advice for all Bond villains: don’t tell us your plan, just do it.