Part Thirteen: Screech and the Dirty What?!

By Kanrei
I have a weakness and I fully admit it. I have thought about seeking help, but have always decided just to come to terms with my weakness. Sometimes it is easier to do than others. Sometimes it appears G-d is against me and wants my weakness to get the better of me. I will show Him and the rest of the world that I can overcome my addiction to cheesy pop culture one day, but it cannot be today.

Many people love pop culture because there are so many cool aspects of it to appreciate. 99.5% of pop culture is so amazing. There are the comic books and their impact on society as American mythology. There are all those old movies and incredibly unreal but true backstage tales. There are the singers and the curses and the deaths that enthrall us all. There are the cars and art work and almost every other aspect of pop culture that is just beyond interesting and then there is the other .5%. This is where my interests lay.

I am fascinated by those things that make each generation cringe with memories of once liking it. I love disco and mood rings and bellbottoms not because I think they are cool, but because it amazes me that so many people once did and I am determined not to let them forget it. The same goes for the really bad 80’s television shows and the horrible 90’s pseudo-commercialized punk. It all makes me laugh and that is what is so important to me.

Every now and then there is a negative side effect to this weakness and that is why I keep trying to overcome it. I know the words to Spice Girls songs and I should not. I get Muppet Show’s Manah Manah song stuck in my head for days on end. I prefer Roadhouse to Shakespeare and I have seen Saved By the Bell more than I care to admit. It is this last one that brings me here today.

Saved by the Bell was one of those shows I saw in college when I was supposed to be in class. It was on after Animaniacs and before Brady Bunch if I remember correctly; I probably don’t. I was usually doing certain things back then that enabled me to comfortably watch those shows and skip class guilt-free. I will say no more because admitting to watching Saved by the Bell at 20 years old is confession enough for one article.

A character from Saved by the Bell was the uber-nerd character they called “Screech”. It was played rather well by Dustin Diamond who just looked like he was an uber-nerd in real life. I still have my doubts as to whether or not he was acting. The poor guy looked like he could never play anything else but “Screech” and it sadly became reality.

Dustin Diamond was typecast as the nerdy sidekick friend and there was nothing he could do about it. His career ended when he grew up and that is a hard thing to come to grips with. He began doing the only things he could do: lifting weights and telling jokes.

Screech has been working the stand-up circuit as of late and is still looking to shake the “Screech” curse. He has tried many things including Fox’s Celebrity Boxing, but nothing has worked so far for him, then he remembered the secret to instant fame.

I hope you are sitting as you read this, but Screech has been seen in a video. It is one of those “Paris Hilton” type videos. It is 40 minutes long apparently and includes such wonderful mental pictures as “Screech and the Dirty Sanchez” while he has two women at one time. The tape is currently being shopped around by a Phoenix agent. It has been offered to "Hustler's Larry Flynt, Vivid's Steven Hirsch and other major distributors of adult video" the New York Daily News is reporting. This means our vision is not safe for very much longer.

It also appears that this is being done with Screech’s approval though I could be very wrong. His manager, Roger Paul is quoted in the Daily News story saying that he has been trying to escape the Screech image for a long time “so this may help me get more bookings."  This tells me approval or just really good damage control.

I do not think it will be enough for some reason. I mean Screech and two women is about as believable as O.J. being innocent. Regardless I am going to curse him for the mental pictures I have endured and may even sue for mental stress.

Oh, and just because I do not feel this story has done enough damage to your psyche, the proposed title for the movie is "Saved by the Smell."

How am I supposed to overcome my weakness when stories like this one keep appearing?

Thank you. Good night. I will be here all week.

Sept. 25, 1980: Bedtime for Bonzo

by Kanrei

Once upon a time, long ago I played the drums. I was not a percussionist, I was a drummer. I was a heavy-footed, slow and hard hitting drummer of the Led Zeppelin variety due to one afternoon flipping through channels and coming across The Song Remains the Same on MTV. All it took was a song named for a Herman Melville novel and I had to be a drummer. I imagine the “Moby Dick” from that movie made a lot of people feel that way.

The “Classic Rock” era gave us many great musicians. It was a period of time lasting from around 1965 to 1979 and gave us more than legends, it gave us Rock Gods. Each member of that class added to the legacy of the era and tragically most died doing it as well. Jimi Hendrix changed guitar forever while Jim Morrison was the ultimate rock star before they were rock stars. Bob Marley brought reggae to our consciousness and John Bonham was the hardest hitting of all drummers. Where Keith Moon was known for his insanity behind a kit and Neil Pert is known for his technical skill, Bonham was known for his power.


For those who do not know the name, John Henry "Bonzo" Bonham was the drummer for Led Zeppelin from their conception in 1968 to their demise in 1980. In fact, it was his passing that brought the end of Led Zeppelin about because he was that unique of a man and that important to the sound. He took drummers from being thought of as nothing more than a human metronome and brought them to the limelight.

In a world slowly becoming dominated by drummers using double bass kits, Bonham kept to his single bass set and still outplayed most. The man was a percussive animal whose solos would usually be upwards of 30 minutes long and featured his bare hands on the skins. Outside of the live show, a feature drum solo was very rare and Bonham was a talented enough drummer to take his solos into the realm of musical composition instead of merely a display of skill. Yes, he was so monstrous a force that drum solos were even featured on Led Zeppelin’s second, fourth, and last albums. Bonham brought the respect of the world to the drums and made drummers real rock stars.

John Bonham died on September 25, 1980. The popular story involves his consumption of 40 shots of Vodka and being found dead the next morning in Jimmy Page’s home. While 40 shots of Vodka would probably kill most people from alcohol poisoning, it was not the booze that did John in. John was a big guy and a steady drinker who redefined alcoholic. No, it was not the booze that did him in, but rather he died from asphyxiation. No drugs were found in his body either.

John Bonham did more to influence not only the world of hard rock, but all genres of music and he can still be heard today. The beats he created for songs such as “The Ocean” and “When the Levee Breaks” are still sampled today by many popular artists.

To hear him at what I feel is his best, I recommend the above mentioned “Moby Dick” from Led Zeppelin II and “Fool in the Rain” from the In Through the Out Door album. Another option is to visit 23 John Henry Bonham Drum Outtakes.

Bonzo and his great white whale of a drum sound will never be repeated again. The impact he made with a few beats and a couple of shuffles changed my life’s course. I never became a professional drummer, but also never listened to music the same again. Thank you John and continue to Rest in Peace. Your talent has still not been equaled and never will be.

Part Twelve: Nic Cage and the Thailand Coup

By Kanrei

I must admit to not really knowing very much about that coup in Thailand. I know the military took control this week while the Prime Minister was at the United Nations. I know they have arrested and or/suspended the Parliament and are restoring the King to power.

What I do not know is if this is a good thing for the people of Thailand or a bad thing. I do know they have done a major favor for the movie going public world-wide. I guess that is something positive to concentrate on at least.

Big Hit in Bangkok is a new movie being filmed in Bangkok by Danny and Oxide Pang. It is set to be released in 2007 and is a remake of a movie they made in 1999 called Bangkok Dangerous. Both these films tell the story of a deaf-mute hitman who undergoes a change of conscious and seeks revenge against his former boss. The remake is going to star Nicolas Cage.

Cage and the producer of the film suspended production upon learning of the military takeover. They were about thirty days from finishing filming when this happened the AP is reporting.

I really do not know enough about Thailand politics to say if they are better off or not with this occurring. I suppose only time will tell, but there is one thing I can say for certain. I am positive that the world will be a better place if we can go just six months without a new Nic Cage film. I do not think that is too much to ask.

I do not hate Nic Cage. I actually think he is a really good actor, but I am sick of hearing about him being in a new movie. Two movies in 2005 were released staring him: Lord of War and Weatherman. Both these movies were rather bad. 2006 now has three if you include his voice work in Ant Bully and IMDB is already listing four more for both 2007 and 2008. Someone needs to remind Nic about quality over quantity.

Want to know what I think the Thailand coup was really about? Of course you do because you have read this far. I think the military decided someone had to stop Nicholas Cage from making another movie for a while. They wanted us to miss him just a little before he returned to the silver screen.

Of course, it could have all been Nic’s doing. Look at the press he is getting out of it. First the AP, then ET, and now me. Curse you Nic! Forget everything you just read.

Way To Go Willie!

By Kanrei

Willie Nelson claims to have once smoked a joint on the roof of the White House. Willie Nelson immediately became a counter-culture hero when he made that confession and even folks who hated country music loved the Red Headed Stranger after that. He is one of the few country icons to rise to pop culture icon.


The reason I am speaking of the Pippi Longstocking of Country/Western is that ole Willie has found himself in trouble with the law again. No, it’s not the I.R.S. this time. He has nothing left for them to take. No, this time it is with the fine folks working law enforcement in Louisiana’s Saint Martin Parish.

Willie’s tour bus was pulled over for a traffic violation and the officers said “(w)hen the door was opened and the trooper began to speak to the driver, he smelled the strong odor of marijuana". This odor led to a search of the bus and the search led to a discovery that was impressive for a 73 year old singer of any genre.

Willie Nelson and four acquaintances were arrested for possession of 1 ½ pounds of marijuana and 2/10 pound of Psilocybin mushrooms. Now that is how to tour!

They were each issued a citation and released. Remember kids, this means either possession of less than a pound and a half of pot in Saint Martin Parish is a misdemeanor or Willie got celebrity treatment.

I always knew Willie smoked, but the boomers were a bit of a shock for me. I never imagined Willie as a tripper. Sure, he looks like a hippie and sounds like one, but I just never thought of it. His music has none of the psychedelic aspects to it that most trippers’ music does.

Oh well, can’t judge a book by the sounds it makes I suppose. Keep on puffing Willie; it is 4:20 somewhere as I post this.

Praised be the Dalton

By Kanrei
You are cordially invited to join the new faith for the Messiah has returned and his story has been released. We should all be beyond grateful for this wondrous gift from the gods who have bestowed upon us, the unworthy, this blessing. For on the second day He gave us “Roadhouse”. Dalton has returned, praised be the barmaids!

There are few movies I can say I love. I must say that Roadhouse is by far near the top of the list. What requirements do I have for a movie I love? Simple, I must be able to watch it over and over without getting tired of it. It must make me laugh on a regular basis, be really bad, have a cast that knows they are in a bad movie, and teach me a lesson about life. Roadhouse not only meets these requirements, but surpasses them.

For those who may not know, Roadhouse tells the all important tale of the traveling philosophy bouncer who… No, it is the story of a small town female doctor looking for love in all the wrong plac…. No, it is the story of a greedy evil rich guy who seems to own a town and wants…. No, it is the story of the residents of a small town who find… No, I have no idea what Roadhouse is about. I know a polar bear falls on a fat guy and someone gets their throat ripped out and every line said by Patrick Swayze is pure Taoist gold.

In the spirit of the wandering teacher/prophet/warrior comes the Taoist Zen talking bouncer in the BMW. He rides into town teaching the lessons of “Pain don’t hurt” and “Nobody ever wins a fight”. He spouts lyrics to Limp Bizkit songs as he proclaims “My way…or the highway.” His quest is to find the answer to “Man's search for faith. That sort of shit.” He is the Dalton!

Like the Messiahs to come before him, his mission in life is for everyone to just be nice to each other. And where the other faiths have created the burden of up to Ten Commandments, Dalton only asks that you follow three simple rules.

1. Never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected.
2. Take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary.
3. Be nice

But even the Dalton realizes there is a limit: “until it's time to not be nice” and that is the time for the blessed knee shattering side kick of the Lord. “Take the biggest guy in the world, shatter his knee and he'll drop like a stone”. The plan for the heathens as spoken by the all mighty Dalton, let the knees be warned. The land shall be covered in the limping until their faith be restored.

The story of "Roadhouse" has been released once again. A clear sign of the coming Apocolypse. You must be prepared to meet G-d, but you must get past his bouncer first. Know the lessons of the Dalton.

Praised be the Dalton.

Sex, Drugs, and Bach?

By Kanrei

What is wrong with all you rockers out there? Have you all been beaten down by the Britney Spears and Blink 182’s out there? What happened to my “Sex, Drugs, and Rock N’ Roll?” Are we really going to go out like this?

A psychologist at the University of Leiester in England named Adrian North had recently performed a study that tells me rock is dead. He did a survey of 2500 people to learn about their musical tastes and how it related to their lifestyles. The results scare me. Honestly.

Dr. North found that 38% of hip hop fans and 29% of dance music people had slept with more than one person during the last five year period. Only 1.5% of country fans had done the same. Have you seen some country music fans though?

They also found that 50% of the fans of hip hop and dance were more likely to have broken the law. Wonder why that would be? A culture that celebrates crime has a higher likelihood of criminals. Before you believe that way to obvious connection, the study gets weird.

A group of music fans had a 25% of smoking pot and a 12% subdivision of that group had taken psychedelic mushrooms. I always suspected these genres as being the work of the Devil, but I never had this clear of proof. If the culture of hip hop leads to increased sex and crime than the classical music fans cannot be trusted to raise kids because 25% of them are druggies!

That is right. I was amazed as well to be honest, but 25% of classical music fans have tried pot. Considering the “Liar” factor in these studies, it would be probably closer to 50%.

Classical music leads to pot and pot is a gateway drug (ha ha), so that would make classical music gateway music. We must ban it if we are to win the war on drugs! Opera must be banned as well because that is the subdivision with the 12% Psilocybin fixation. Probably helps them understand what is going on.

I would bet that most anti-drug crusaders would be so happy if their children listened to some Mozart or a nice aria instead of Nugent or Pink Floyd. They would think their children were safe, unaware of the subliminal confusion being broadcast to them that only a nice hit could clear up.

Me, I blame Disney. I blame that devious bastard and his Fantasia. I mean classical music with hippos dancing with alligators and mice creating insane walking brooms? I almost need a hit just to explain the movie, and we show it to kids.

The lessons of this story are both promising and a good warning. If you want to have grandchildren then you must raise your children on hip hop. It is called “bootie music” for a reason after all.

The big lesson is DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS GROW UP TO LISTEN TO BEETHOVEN! Any group with more than six members and you are running a risk of raising the next Charles Manson.

And to all you rockers out there…what happened to you? You did not even score high enough to make the article. Sex? Drugs? Rock N’ Roll? I just don’t see it. For shame. What did Jerry Garcia, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Bon Scott, and all the others die for then?

Secrets of Life: Swingers

By Kanrei

This week’s secret of life is a day late, but not a dollar short. It is late because inspiration just did not strike me last night. I tried and tried to think of just the right topic, but nothing came to me until now when my phone rang.

A friend of mine was on the other end of the phone and she was finding herself scared to move forward. It was not that she was happy where she is, it is just that she knows it. Sometimes the fear of the unknown is worse than any torment you can endure. It is that voice telling you “things can always be worse” that sounds like our friend, but really is our worst enemy. As I spoke to her, I found myself quoting a movie and not realizing it until I was almost at my point. It was really strange, but I knew what I had to write about.

“Swingers” is a cult classic written by and starring Jon Favreau. It tells the story of a New Yorker named Mike Peters who broke up with his long time girlfriend to move to California to become an actor. It picks up with him six months into living in Los Angeles, failing as an actor and lonely: that desperate type of lonely. The type that urges you to go home and try to pretend you never left.

Mike is surrounded by a close circle of friends who, like himself are all transplants trying to make it in acting. Trent, as played by Vince Vaughn, is the smooth ladies man who represents the man inside Mike that is being killed by his depression. Rob, his cousin from back home as played by Ron Livingston, is his guardian angel there to define what is happening. The two of them spend the movie trying to teach poor lost Mike what it means to be successful in life.

Trent builds Mike up by trying to show him what everyone else sees: “You're so money and you don't even know it!” Trent spends the entire movie serving Mike’s destroyed ego and attempts to rebuild it from the outside. He takes Mike to Vegas, to parties, to every club and bar not known in L.A. to help him find the one night stand to cure his problems.

I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's really hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man, Mikey. You're a bad man, bad man.

While sounding like “macho he-man” disco attitude towards dating, Trent actually does hit on a central truth. It is not really that you must behave that way so much as have that confidence. Life is all about confidence and how much others feel coming from you, but that is only part of the equation because, at the end of the movie, for all his confidence Trent is still alone.

Rob is the exact opposite of Trent. Rob is grounded in reality and focused on finding work as an actor rather than the night life. Rob is also the only one (from what I can gather) to have seen Mike while he was involved with his lost New York love. It is with this inside knowledge that Rob helps Mike come to grips with his past and his losses.

“She's got her own life to deal with and that's in New York. She's a sweet girl and I love her to pieces, but fuck her, man. You got to get on with your life. You've got to let go of the past Mikey, and when you do, the future is beautiful.”

He explains to Mike that the problem with grief is that is becomes hard to let go of. He says that you carry the pain with you for so long that it becomes a part of you. You begin to depend on its being there, but it slowly fades overtime and you find yourself grieving the loss of the pain because you got used to carrying it.

“I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.”

Rob ends the movie without a date as well. Mike, however, combines the lessons of Trent and his confidence with Rob and his wisdom and becomes the man everyone had seen all along. Mike ends the movie with Heather Graham.

“Swingers” is one of the great movies made and the secret of life aspect of it is a bonus. If you have not seen this movie yet I am sure a rental place is still open right now.

My friend sounded much better at the end of the conversation. I think Ron's words words helps, but it took Trent's confidence to sell it. See how it works?

Can't Fly, Can't Drive

By Kanrei

Imagine if the twist in “Lost” revealed itself to be that one of the castaways was actually flying the plane when it crashed. Do you think that would be a “Jump the Shark” twist or would it make sense? I never watched the show so I cannot comment, but it would go along with the reality of the abilities of the cast. You know, crashing a plane since they obviously cannot drive.

"'Lost' Actor Arrested on Driving Charges” is a headline I am getting very used to. First we had Michelle Rodriguez getting herself arrested for driving while drunk only to be followed fifteen minutes later by her co-star Cynthia Watrosin December 2005. The two were unrelated incidents from a cast spending too much time on the beach. Watros got off with a fine, but this was not Rodriguez’s first time so she was given five days in jail as well as a fine. No polar bears in jail, so she got a rest at least. Now, like clockwork we have another arrest from a “Lost” star.

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje is the latest star of “Lost” to pose for the “face forward/ turn right” photo-op. The actor is no stranger to a cell, he played Simon Adebisi on the HBO prison drama Oz for four years, but this is probably more real than he was prepared for. He was arrested for ignoring police and driving without a license and was released after six hours in jail and a $500 bond and must go to court on Sept. 26.

The stars of that show can’t drive and their characters can’t fly. Next time they should take the train.

Part Eleven -or- Breaking News: the TomKitten

By Kanrei

CBS is in trouble and I am saying this from the perspective of not having seen Katie Couric’s debut. I have not really read any reviews of how she did or what she did different. I have basically only read one thing and that really was enough to let me know where CBS is heading.

“Katie Couric, in her first night as anchor of the `CBS Evening News', revealed photos of 4 1/2-month-old Suri, daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.”

Game over. Thank you for playing. Where CBS was “Can’t Broadcast Sports”, the “S” has transformed into bodily excrement.

I mean there is no place at all for this “beat the tabloid” attitude in an organization that wants to be taken seriously as a news source. Katie Couric is already up against many stereotypes being the first female anchor for broadcast news. Add in the fact that she is blonde and I do not think the TomKitten is proper for her debut.

The bar is really low right now at least. She can only go up from here.

Part Ten: Paris CD Improves

By Kanrei

Lisa, forgive me but I cannot let this one pass by. There is a version of the new Paris Hilton CD (I got it right!) I must have. It was made with me in mind and the Lemming House has a new patron saint.

British graffiti artist and prankster Banksy, a man who has managed to spray paint the wall between Israel and Palestine has struck again, this time targeting Paris Hilton. This man is now a hero of mine. He gets honorary lemming status for ever.

Banksy went into a HMV record store in London and secretly replaced the Paris Hilton CDs with his own special version. He changed the label to have a nude shot of Hilton on the outside and her dog’s head super-imposed on her body inside as well as her getting out of her limo amid homeless people. It advertises that it features such songs as "Why am I Famous?" "What Have I Done?" and "What Am I For?" and the CDs are nothing but 40 minutes of Banksy’s music and Paris Hilton’s sampled catchphrase “That’s hot”. He claims to have made the switch to 500 CDs throughout England. He even got the bar codes right on his fakes so that the store computers cannot tell the difference. This guy is brilliant.

I am so impressed with this. Not only has he given people an infinitely better CD for their money, but he has removed at least 500 of the real Paris CDs from this planet. The apocalypse is beaten back for another day.

Part Nine: The Bronze Baby Poop and the TomKat of Buffoon

by Kanrei

Update: It seems Ebay has taken down the baby poo. Not sure what that means exactly.

Today is just a golden day for news. I have got to stop looking around because I keep finding these stories that I am just not strong enough to pass up. I hope my fellow lemmings forgive me for the complete lack of anything serious here today, but it just seems to be one of those days.

No one has seen the TomKitten. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter Suri has yet to be publicly causing many to believe said child does not exist, but apparently her bowel movements are worthy of immortality. Yes, you did read that right.

Capla Kesting gallery in Brooklyn, New York is showing the latest sculpture by “artist” Daniel Edwards. You remember this guy, right? He is the man who made the nude Britney giving birth sculpture. Well, he is at it again in the same gallery. Last time he showed us a woman making a baby and now he shows us what a baby makes. His latest work is a bronze cast of little Suri’s first bowel movement. Oh, it gets more depraved.

David Kesting justified this work of “art” by telling the AFP; that "A bronzed cast of baby's first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family." The problem is that this is not a memento for the TomKat. This is a gimmick for publicity. Tom Cruise has donated said poopie to charity. It will be sold on Ebay with the proceeds going to the March of Dimes. The current highest bid as of writing this story is $5,100 with 42 bids. There are sicker people it seems.
"It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine"