Secrets of Life: Can't Hardly Wait

“Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if
you look at it right”-Scarlet Begonias

By Kanrei

While this section of “The Secrets of Life” will not be dealing with that song by the Grateful Dead, it does serve as a perfect introduction to this week’s entry to the series. When I tell you this one, you will think I have gone mad. This is one of those entries I warned you about. Please just go with it and reserve judgment until the end of it.

The reason for such a long disclaimer is that this week’s entry is that 1998 non-classic “Can’t Hardly Wait”. Are you finished laughing at me yet? There really is a secret in this movie and no one was more shocked at seeing it than me. I think I need to explain why I have even seen this movie to restore my credibility.

I was home sick from work about five or six years ago. I thought it was longer than that, but this movie was in the theaters in 1998 so it could not be on cable before 1999. I was bored and very not sober. Back then I would get so intoxicated that I would forget I was sick and it would actually work. Anyway, it was either the delirium of the illness or the impaired judgment of the intoxicants, but I found myself staring at the television as HBO began this horrible nasty train-wreck of a movie.

“Can’t Hardly Wait” is a lame attempt by a late 90’s director to capture the fun of the 80’s brat pack movie explosion. It featured Lauren Ambrose of “Six Feet Under”, “Austin Powers” series’ Seth Green, and internet darling Jennifer Love Hewitt so it had the future star power. What it lacked was the talent of a John Hughes. Instead it is just another lame cliché teen movie filled with horrible and divisive stereotypes and bad jokes.

The plot, well the central theme of the movie since there really is no plot involves an unpopular student’s attempt to talk to his dream girl whom he has been in love with from afar. Now that he finds himself at the last party of high school, he believes this to be his one chance, but chickens out or fails in horribly emotionally scaring ways.

There was no reason to believe this movie had any value at all until one scene. One scene took this movie from a forgettable piece of wasted trash to “Secret of Life” status. The scene involves an uncredited Jenna Elfman as a stripper in an angel costume. She appears to our hero at that moment of the film where he has given up and is contemplating suicide or some PG equivalent.

This angel walks out of the mist and rain (of course it was raining on our hero) and sits next to the poor kid on a bench. They chat a bit. Some of it is funny, most is wasted seconds of my life they stole, then she tells him a story about her past and it all became clear and worthy to me.

She was a child in love with Tony Danza. She was obsessed with meeting him, but figured she would never have the chance. One day she was walking down the street and Tony Danza popped out of a cab right in front of her. This was her moment. It was fate; it was destiny. She turned and ran away and never forgot that moment. She could have met Tony Danza and she blew it.

Then she reveals both the moral of her story and the point of my watching that cursed movie:

“There is fate, but it only takes you so far, because once you're there its up to you to make it happen.”

Wholly crap. Dharma hit on something. That little alien in her belly is making some sense after all. Our hero takes these words to heart, returns to the party and wins the girl.

I honestly was not expecting something so obvious yet so deep in such a stupid movie. I really cannot stress just how stupid this movie is. I would need some massive brain trauma just to endure a second viewing, but that one moment made my one suffering worth it and I hope this tale will give you the lesson without the pain of a Jennifer Love Hewitt movie.

Unemployed Earl Loses to Office Jerks

By Kanrei

I have not watched very much TV last season, so I cannot really comment on 95% of the Emmy winners from last night, but I did watch “The Office”. I must admit I am upset “My Name is Earl” did not take any big ones. It did get best direction and writing for its pilot episode, but I think it deserved best comedy as well.

I think that show is brilliant in its originality. “The Office” is just another British sit-com import reworked for an American audience. It is bad enough most scary movies are coming from Japan, but must we import our sit-coms as well?

“My Name is Earl” stars Jason Lee as Earl Hickey, a man who has never done anything honest in his entire life. He has brought nothing but pain to anyone unlucky enough to cross paths with him; be it stealing his father’s car at age twelve to drag race the neighborhood bully or stealing the wallet of a man using the facilities at a gas station bath room. Earl is just a bad guy, until the day he steals a lottery ticket worth $100,000 and gets hit by car, losing the ticket as well.

After waking up in the hospital, he realizes that his life sucks because he has never done anything good. He learns of Karma and realizes he owes Karma for a lifetime of evil and makes a list of every single bad thing he ever did. Crossing off his first bad thing from his list returns his lottery ticket returns to him and he becomes obsessed with fixing every bad thing and making it right to the person offended.

The plot of the show is but one of the original aspects of this overlooked masterpiece. It dances the line between surreal, satire, and realism beautifully. It creates the most absurd characters, but gives them realistic emotions and reactions. Add in just a little satire of the “poor white-trash” criminal, the illegal immigrant hotel maid, and every other ethnic stereotype you can think of and you have just perfection.

The beauty of the show is in its positive message. The show does show many bad acts committed by Earl over the years, but it shows him as paying for those actions. It never glamorizes the things he did, but rather shows them as the stupid things they were. By having Karma play a constant roll in every episode, the “treat others how you want to be treated” message comes through very clear and the show always ends with Earl crossing something off his list because he made it right.

The cast of the show is more than just a one man show too. Each and every actor, from Ethan Suplee as Earl’s brother and Jamie Pressly as his trailer-trash ex-wife to the guest stars ranging from Giovanni Ribisi to Beau Bridges give their all to their roles. Each character is given a full and rich back story as well. The guest stars are real characters in the story and not just well placed cameos.

While “The Office” is certainly a funny show, it does not strike me as a better show than “Earl”. “The Office” is yet another work place comedy, only with improvisation based on situation. The cast is perfect and the directing captures the “documentary” feel they are going for, but there is little original or unique in this show. Besides, we can always watch the original on DVD, so why bother with a remake? “Earl” was robbed and given token prizes.

Like I said, I really do not watch very much television. "The Simpsons", "Family Guy", "24", and random documentaries are about it. My Tivo’s schedule is filled with "Modern Marvels", "Histories Mysteries", and things like that, but I never miss an episode of “Earl”. It really is refreshing to see a moral show that knows how to be bad and a show about bad people that can teach morals. It is a show parents can watch with their kids and it is expected for them to not approve of what Earl did. That is the point of the whole show. He is amending for bad deeds. It shows that even a bad person can amend their ways. It deserved “Best Comedy Series” infinitely more than yet another show about work place personality cliché conflicts.

The First Rapping Knight?

By Kanrei
I was going to make fun of this story. I have had it bouncing around in my head all day long trying to decide on just the right angle to go at it from. A story like this opens itself up to so many classes of jokes that it takes time to pick just the right approach. The end result of all this pondering and joke working is? The idea makes sense to me.

OK, you are probably screaming at your monitor right now wonder what the hell I am babbling about this time. That or you have left for another page (shame on you). What I am babbling about this time is that Elton John is going to release a hip-hop album, I mean CD. I will get that right one day.

According to the AP, Sir Elton John told Rolling Stone that he wants to make an album produced by Dr. Dre and featuring Snoop Dogg, Kayne, Eminem among others. It is not that far of a stretch actually considering he did a duet with Eminem on the 2001 Grammy Award Show. From what I recall, it was very well received. I wonder what took him so long actually.

"I want to bring my songs and melodies to hip-hop beats...I love these beats, but I have no idea how to get them."

I really am intrigued by this concept. Elton John has always been a great song writer and an amazing singer. Although not writing the words to his greatest songs, his music was inspiring. I can only imagine what he will come up with when combined with the undeniable lyrical talents of the rappers and the production genius of Dr. Dre.

I am far from a rap fan, but even I cannot deny talent. I could never do what they do and I have tried. I am a decent poet but could not write a rap song to save my life. This could be, as Sir Elton tells Rolling Stone "a disaster, it could be fantastic, but you don't know until you try." At 59 years old, this is an amazingly brave step for him to take. I am sorry I even looked for a joke actually.

Secrets of Life: Darkside of the Moon Part II

By Kanrei

Continuing with Dark Side of the Moon, the next section of songs should be looked at as a block rather than individual songs. They are Time, The Great Gig in the Sky, Money, Us and Them. These songs are the great destroyers of life. They are the things that can drive you mad. It is not the amount of each you have, but how obsessed you are with each and how much control you give to each.

Each song is about the pressures that these three themes in life bring. Time and The Great Gig in the Sky can be viewed as one song: Time, with its tale of wasting hours and shorter years and The Great Gig in the Sky, a reference to death.

The song Time is even set up musically to mimic how we waste our time. The song has a long and building musical introduction. It just about takes too long, like growing up, but then the song starts in its rock and roll glory and ends too soon, like adult life.

“Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.”

Wasting your childhood wanting to grow up only to grow up and find you wasted your childhood. The entire song was so obsessed with time that the singer is forced to stop singing so the song can end:

“The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.”

Money is obvious about its meaning. It deals with greed and the Biblical “The love of money is the root of all evil” concept. “Share it fairly, but don’t take a slice of my pie”. It is easy to condemn money, but those that do usually don’t need to worry about it however they lose their soul in the process.

“Money, it's a hit.
Don't give me that do goody good bullshit.
I'm in the high-fidelity first class traveling set
And I think I need a Lear jet.”

The obsession with money and possession leads into the next song; Us and Them. From the title, it is pretty obvious that this one is about the divisions we apply to ourselves and the pointless fights they bring. The “Us and Them” actually applies to the citizens as the “Us” and the governments as the “Them”.

“Us, and them
And after all we're only ordinary men.
Me, and you.
God only knows it's noz what we would choose to do.
Forward he cried from the rear
and the front rank died.
And the general sat and the lines on the map
moved from side to side.”

IF left to our own devices, we would not know our enemies without “Them” pointing them out to us and we probably would not care. It is “Them” that profits from the divisions that “They” create.

"Black and blue
And who knows which is which and who is who.
Up and down.
But in the end it's only round and round.
Haven't you heard it's a battle of words
The poster bearer cried.
Listen son, said the man with the gun
There's room for you inside."

The ultimate price of these divisions is that we stop caring for “Us” once we become “Them”. As long as we have ours and we are ok, screw the new “Them”. We can justify it as collateral damage and live our lives with money and acceptance and nothing inside us and think we are good people.

"Down and out
It can't be helped but there's a lot of it about.
With, without.
And who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
Out of the way, it's a busy day
I've got things on my mind.
For the want of the price of tea and a slice
The old man died."

The album focuses on one person for this string of songs. It is a person who has wasted his time, sold himself out for the promise of more money and joined “Them” to happily turn his back on “Us”. He never gets his money “But if you ask for a raise it's no surprise that they're giving none away” and he is at the end of his wasted life with nothing to show for it:

“So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death”

He finds himself insane, missing his childhood, and dreaming of the life he could have had in the beginning of the final part of the saga, “Brain Damage”. The pressures of his wasted life, the daily news and wars being fought over pointless divisions, the life he could have had all push him to the breaking point. He is committed, has a lobotomy, and lives his final days in an insane asylum.

"The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.

It ends switching back to the general narrator speaking directly to the listener again, as with the first songs. Also, as with the first songs, the narrator is restating the theme of the album and of life, only in greater detail this time.

All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come

Everything in your life is part of your life and not to be avoided. When you are old and at the end of your life, what you look back on is the result of all your choices and what things you put priority on.

“and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.”

Everything under the sun is in tune: life works out the way it is supposed to if you let it.
But the sun is eclipsed by the moon: even though you cannot see the end, you must have faith in the plan and not be distracted by time, money or divisions between man.

As you can see, this album is about how to live a happy life and avoid insanity by using the example of a person who made all the wrong choices in their life. I hope you enjoyed this and will future editions of the series. Please let me know how you feel about it. I look forward to it. Thanks for reading.

Secrets of Life: Darkside of the Moon Part I

By Kanrei

Today starts a new series, something for Thursdays I suppose. I realized I need to start this today seeing an almost complete lack of news again. I thought about what really interested me and what I had to offer and I realized it was time for my personal project to officially begin: no, not world domination...yet. That would just be a happy side effect. No, this one is something I have toyed with for a decade…my G-d I am old.

I have always believed that today’s songs and today’s movies are the same as history’s poems and plays. We study the great plays and poems to learn about ourselves, yet dismiss the current plays and poems as entertainment. This is folly.


This series will examine songs and movies from the last forty years to validate their deep eternal truths for all to see. Shakespeare is no deeper than Pink Floyd when searching for the meaning of life. It is everywhere if you just know where to look.

Some of my examples will appear ridiculous to you at first, but I ask you to read through before coming to a conclusion. I am crazy, but I am not insane. There is a method to my madness always. This stuff may seem obvious and you may wonder "why the hell is he doing this?" and the answer is because I have always wanted to. I am going to start off easy.

In 1973 Pink Floyd released the first in a string of concept albums called Dark Side of the Moon. While the others that followed (Wish You Were Here, Animals, The Wall, The Final Cut) all had clear themes to them, Dark Side has always been kind of cloudy in its central theme. While it does appear to be about insanity, that is really not it. The album is much deeper than that. It is a lesson in life and priorities.



Because of the depth of this album, I will have to cover it in parts. Today will be part one AKA “Breathe/ On the Run”.

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.


Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

This is not only the central theme to the album, but it is the central theme to life. You have a choice in life to "breathe in the air" or you can live in fear. “All you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be.” Life is made up of your experiences and, if you have none, you have no life. “Leave but don’t leave me. Look around and choose your own ground”: so many people think they must find complete themselves before they can be with another. You do not have to be alone to have your own life. Being with another can cause pain and sorrow, but “smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry” are what makes up life.

This is how to live your life. Most people do not follow that example. They build walls around themselves to protect their unstable emotions, never realizing they are only adding to their misery. Pink Floyd talks of them as well.

Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.

The lesson is clear here to those who put work and success above all else. If you notice, the work never ends (And when at last the work is done/ Don't sit down it's time to dig another one), but your life does. Your life will be long and successful for as long as you are on top that wave, but every surfer falls sometime and as you balance “on the biggest wave you race towards an early grave”. You missed it all.

The song fades into a pseudo-instrumental named “On the Run”. While it appears to be random sounds and weird music, if you listen closely you notice it is a man running through a terminal late for a plane. He is rushing and running trying to catch the plane before it takes off. The music builds and surrounds his tunnel vision as all he thinks about is that plane. He gets to the gate right as it takes off and blows up. He was rushing to die. Ironic.
To Part II

Part Eight: Lady Madonna Caesar Ciccone

Looks like we dodged a bullet my fellow Lemmings and we have Caesar Ciccone to thank.

Lady Madonna, children at your feet, how did you manage to save my seat?

That is right, super shiksa turned rabid pseduo-poser Jew Esther is going to save the world. She has a multi-faceted plan to eliminate the world’s nuclear waste and feed all the starving. Her plan is so simple, so basic that it has to work. All Hail Caesar Ciccone!

Phase one of her plan started when the Kabbalah Center sponsored some company called “Oroz”. According to the Sunday London Times, Oroz is a “’23rd-century’ research body in New York that heralded a “breakthrough” in neutralizing radioactive waste”. They claim to have created some liquid that cleaned Lake Glyboke located in Chernobyl three years ago. They also claim they can “treat gynaecological problems in cows and sheep”, so there doubters! That is impressive: an end to bovine yeast infections.

So impressed with these results, Caesar Ciccone rushed off three years later to “Downing Street, Whitehall and British Nuclear Fuels (BNFL)” to begin her plan to save the world. They took her as serious as NASA took me that time I told them I found an alien living in my appendix. They claimed “the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks”. Always remember to nevermind the bollocks.

Besides, I am giving her too much credit for altruism. Save the world? I mean conquer it. Her vanity compels her to explain her plan like some villain from a Bond flick.

“I can write the greatest songs and make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn’t a world to conquer, what’s the point?”

While the world is far from being in great shape right now, I really am concerned about how Caesar Ciccone would rule the world. I mean think about the fact that she already thinks she can “write the greatest songs”. I would love to hear one of those opposed to the crap she has been releasing almost my entire life. I mean if "Material Girl" and "Justify my Love" are the greatest songs then I will stick with GWB for leadership. Thanks though. Same goes for “the most fabulous films” she has made. Who's That Girl?, Desperately Seeking Susan, Swept Away: these films made me envy Helen Keller. I cannot comment on the fashion icon status she claims. It was probably true 20 years ago, but times change. I have not seem many people walking around in tights and fishnets with thigh-high boots these days.

The second phase of her plan was kept quiet until her publicist slipped in a recent denial to MSNBC.

When asked about this magic Kabbalah water issue, Madonna’s rep said “Better to talk about her current obsession — building an orphanage in [the AIDS ravaged African nation of] Malawi,” she noted, “kind of adopting an entire country.”

Lady Madonna, baby at your breast. Looking charitable to get some positive press.

Has helping Africa become the latest status symbol in Hollywood? I know "USA for Africa" did good in the 80's and got positive press, but what started the recent craze of Hollywood helping Africa? It has just gotten ridiculous now. Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Jessica Simpson, Alyssa Milano, and any other positive press hungry celebrity or paparazzi victim just has to high tail it over to Africa to do some humanitarian work. I would probably believe the “good” in their motives more if they did not bring the press with them every time. Notice Madonna is suddenly building an orphanage in Africa around the same time she can not get the press to say anything about her except Kabbalah this or crucify that?

Doing some research (aka typing “celebrity Africa” into Google) I came across an article written by Alex Williams of the New York Times News Service who noticed the same trend. His article deals more with the good they have done for Africa, which is great, but I have problems with them using the poor as a shield from bad press. I should have looked at this before I started writing, but oh well. I have written this much so I cannot stop and you have read this far so you cannot stop.

In his story, he quotes Daniel Millenson, a Brandeis University sophomore who is a leader of the Sudan Divestment Task Force, who releaves my wonder by answering an unrelated question asked by Mr. Williams.

"The issue is very popular because it can attract people from both sides, whether they support the war in Iraq or not,"

I know it was not the context he was speaking in, but this answer works for my question as well. Yes, Africa has become the latest status symbol in Hollywood because trying to be political has hurt many of their careers. Dixie Chicks anyone?

I guess this means that I can blame Bush for this in an indirect way. Had he not invaded Iraq and forced Hollywood to support or oppose him, then Hollywood would not feel the need to pretend they care about something inorder to regain their fans. I have already told you that Yes, everything goes back to politics with me.

I must give Madonna Caesar Ciccone some credit at this point. At least she admits her goal is conquer the world. I must admire that kind of honesty. I just think she should follow the old cliché advice for all Bond villains: don’t tell us your plan, just do it.

Part Seven: The Last Day?

There is a bunch of concern over tomorrow. Like here for example.

To save you clicking time, it seems tomorrow, August 22nd has some Islamic value that could mean bad news for the world.

This year, August 22 marks the holy day on the Islamic calendar that is the day of reckoning for Shiites. Some Shiite sects believe that August 22 could correspond to the end of the world.

They may be right, but not how they think. There is one major sign that comes tomorrow which coincides with the date the terrorists seem to have picked.

Paris
Paris Hilton (Artist)
Availability: This title will be released on August 22, 2006. Pre-order now. Ships from and sold by Amazon.com.

Yes, music dies with one word: Paris. The plug is pulled on August 22nd. Talent is not only no longer required, but is not even wanted by fans. This will be a hit, I have no doubts. If nothing else, the Hiltons have enough money to buy it to number one.

Why do I think the terrorist holiday has anything to do with the release date of this apocalypse bringing CD? In the words of Robert Spencer, Director of Jihadwatch.org and an adjunct fellow at the Free Congress Foundation:

"The only thing we can know is that the date was not chosen by accident"

And this guy is an expert. Do you need any more proof Paris Hilton is in with the terrorists? As if her assault on all of our other senses was not enough, now she is going after our music: our only salvation. She is releasing her album on "the holy day on the Islamic calendar that is the day of reckoning for Shiites". Or maybe we have it all wrong and they are simply trying to save us from the pain of more of her "singing".

In a world where Paris Hilton is considered not only an actress, but a singer as well, Armageddon looks very appealing. At least I know the music will be good. Still I hope everything is ok tomorrow and the CD release is delayed.

Part Six -or- Talent Optional: Bye Bye Ms. American Pie

By Kanrei

Justin Timberlake does not think Taylor Hicks can sing. Shows he has some sense, but then again I think that Justin Timberlake thinks he can. There goes that sense of sense. I don't think a computer enhanced pop singer who can't write a song should criticize another created pop singer.

"The guy who won - people think he looks so normal, and he's so sweet, and he's so earnest, but he can't carry a tune in a bucket."

And you can? Is he jealous of Taylor? Does Justin want to annoy us every twenty minutes pushing Fords? I have not heard much from Justin Spea..Timberlake. Maybe he is jealous. I mean what has Justin done? There was that song I remem.... no. There were all those annoying Insync son...no. So how is he a celebrity? Only thing I know about him is that he appears to be another in a long line of singers who are better at self-promotion than they are at singing. A good sign of this is that I cannot name one song of his and he has been a "singer" for years.

Oh MTV, what have you wrought upon us? There was no MTV in the 70's. There was only radio and the 70's were possibly one of the greatest (and worst) eras for music. The highs and lows were a result of the same facet of that decade that vanished in the 80's with the birth of that channel: ugly bands could succeed.

There have always been two classes of musicans: the pretty stars and the ugly stars. The pretty stars had lives growing up. The ugly stars did not. They sat home perfecting their art while the pretty stars treated music as a hobby. To the ugly stars, music was a way to make something that was theirs. To the pretty stars, it was simply another way to get laid.

Queen was one ugly band. So was Thin Lizzy. Fleetwood Mac had Stevie Nicks, but that was it for that band. Elton John is beyond ugly and have you ever seen Barbra Streisand? These are all very talented musicians. Like their style of music or not, there is no denying Barbra Streisand's voice or Freddie Mercury's or Elton John's but none of them are nice to look at. Good thing they are in an audio art instead, right? Wrong, good thing they came out in the 70's. Video did indeed kill the radio star.

Music Television. The mere concept of it is so ridiculous. Music is an audio experience and television is a video experience. Music is free of context and flows. It creates its own images and own feelings. Television provides all of that for you. Music is astral, not created my man, but flowing through man. Television shows the music being made and destroys the illusion. Music is about the sound. Television is about the performer.

There is no place today for ugly musicians unless they are willing to go full freak show. The Jim Croches and James Taylors of today will never make it because they are too unattractive to sing love songs. They would not look right in their video. A band being signed today must actually worry about how they look in a video. Music comes second.

Growing up, I had no idea about the people behind my favorite groups. I did not know their names, what they looked like or how many members there were. Yes, I know Pink Floyd and Rush like the back of my hand now, but it was years before I saw what Geddy Lee or Roger Waters looked like. I still have never seen what Jethro Tull looks like or Gerry Rafferty. I don't want to know. The music is magical to me right now, almost religious and seeing the people it came from would be like knowing how a magician did his best trick.

Paris Hilton not only has an album coming out, but it is getting good reviews. Britney Spears has had numerous hits as has Jessica Simpson, Insync, Justin Timberlake, and countless others. None of them can write a song. None of them can sing, but they all look good trying. Today, that is all that counts. Get one or two albums out of them and move on.

The worst part of all this is the classic rock void to come. It is bad enough Metallica is now considered classic rock, but imagine the day that Korn is thought of with Zeppelin. Thank you MTV! You kill music then become a reality show station determined to kill all entertainment.

Keep on cheerleading the apocalypse. At this rate, I may welcome it.

Part Five: A Glimmer of Hope?

By Kanrei

A ray of hope? A glimmer of sunshine? Is Pop Culture being fought back against? Is there really a chance? It appears so and there are three reasons to be happy.

First I saw Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet Ki…Ki….Honeybear named Baby Luv. She was bitten last Friday around 3 am and, like any truly worried bleeding celebrity, called her publicist. Let me say that again, because it is important. She was bleeding from a bite at 3 am and was worried so she called her publicist. I would have called a doctor or 911 if I were really concerned. I guess she was more concerned about making sure the press knew. A tetanus shot for a scratch is hardly emergency room worthy. It is also certainly not worth the days and days this story has floated around from. Don’t worry though, Baby Luv was looked at by a vet and survived the encounter. I guess they were concerned about what Princess Diana Monroe's blood might have done to such a pure and innocent creature.

I am almost starting to think a day without Paris might be a worse sign...
Score 1 for us.

Then I saw the news that made my heart sing. I have complained in the past about Star Wars not maturing with their audience. It bothered me that the new Star Wars movies were made for kids instead of lifelong fans. Thank you G-d, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Satan, Mother Earth, and any other thing worshipped out there. Thank you for "Jim Henson's Puppet Improv". I have not seen it, only read about it, but that is more than enough to chase away the apocalypse for a while.

During the “Edinburgh Fringe arts festival” this year in Canada, Brian Henson, son of the late Jim Henson has started an adult improvisational Muppet show not for kids. That is right, Muppets for adults only. They have always struck me as having a very strong adult slant, but I just wrote it off as trying to make sure parents took their kids. Now, I believe differently.

One of my favorite running jokes of all time is from "The Muppet Movie" and is a joke no kid would ever get. Everytime someone says something about being lost, the answer is always "have you tried Hara Krishna lately?". That is such a funny and under-the -radar joke there is no way it was written just to pacify an adult audience.

The really good news is Brian Henson's plans for the future. He is trying to take the concept to television.

"There is something really therapeutic for us about this adult improv,"

On his father liking such a thing:

"I think he would have loved it because of how outrageous I get. My Dad really believed in community and sweetness but the other side of him was incredibly naughty.
"He always said the only reason we did this was those moments where it is like laughing in church. It becomes so infectious you cannot stop laughing."

Score 2 for us.

Then, today, as if all of that was not enough, I see Boy George is cleaning the streets of New York. He was given five days of community service for filing a false police report while possessing cocaine. In essence, he is being publicly humiliated for being stupid. It is a simple rule, but one should not call the cops and invite them into your house for no reason when one is in possession of drugs. Seems obvious I know.

"You think you're better than me?" he yelled. "Go home. Let me do my community service."

Yes, yes I do. In fact, I am almost 100% positive I am. I have never had to perform community service infront of large mocking crowds. I have never been dumb enough to call the cops to my house while holding cocaine. I have never even done cocaine for that matter. I have only dressed in drag once and I understand the meaning of "humble".

"This is supposed to be making me humble. Let me do this," he said. "I just want to do my job."

Isn’t it ironic that a man who dressed as outrageously as possible for the sole purpose of getting everyone‘s attention is now trying to be ignored while working in the public? I think it is the not getting paid for the entertainment he is providing that is really getting to him. Personally, I think it is some of his best work.

Do you really want to punish me?
Do you really want to make me sweep?
DO you think that this will help me?
Don't realize I'm a cross-dressing freak.

Score 3 for us.

Rest well tonight, my fellow Lemmings. There is hope on the horizon that the coming Pop Culture Apocalypse may just be prevented.

Part Four: The Fall of the Last Front

By Kanrei

How punk can you be if MTV has a reality show about your marriage? Can you imagine a Sid and Nancy show? Actually, scratch that. That would probably be pretty good…

No, I read today that Blink-182's drummer is getting a divorce according to ET. I wondered why ET would be covering the marriage of a punk star, pre-fab mom friendly punk, but punk. Then I noticed these words:

Travis and Shanna wed in October 2004 and starred in the 2005 MTV reality series "Meet the Barkers," which followed the couple's ups and downs as newlyweds.

My loyal Lemmings know what is coming...

Blink 182 is supposed to be some kind of punk band. Punk was about anti-corporate anti-establishment attitude. How can you be punk and on MTV TRL? How can you be punk and have a reality show? How can you be punk and win teen image awards?

I was shocked, saddened, and disappointed when Dave Navarro’s reality show started. He was the guitarist for Jane's Addiction: alt-rock gods. I was even more shocked, saddened, and disappointed when I saw that he is on a new one: something called Rock Star?

If you don’t know it, I envy you, but here is the concept anyway. Take a drummer who was in a big metal band of the 80’s, add the second bass player in the line up of a band that was good before he joined, and a guitar player who claims to be from an 80’s metal super group, but actually joined in the declining years and have them audition an assortment of TV friendly freaks to be their new singer and you got Rock Star. Tommy Lee of stolen sex videos and Motley Crue, Jason Newsted of Metallica on bass, and some guy named Gilby Clarke.

Tommy Lee was the drummer for Motley Crue for years. He was famous for the spinning drum set; a gimmick that made drunken teens think he was actually a good drummer. His real claim to fame came after he married Baywatch’s Pam Anderson and had a tape of them having relations stolen. He then entered the world of reality television like all true anti-establishment rock gods and went to college. He didn’t go to learn, he went to mock higher education and those who seek it. It was a thirty minute escapade into the mind that wasn’t there.

Jason Newsted I had some respect for before this. He was a founding member of 80’s heavy metal band Flotsam & Jetsam and joined Metallica after the death of their very popular bass player, Cliff Burton. He had a huge shadow to fill and he did it quite well. The 5.98 EP and ...And Justice for All are both classic albums, but Metallica became the spoiled children of rock and Newsted was one of those children. I lost every bit of respect I had for him. Seeing him on reality television shows me I was not alone in that loss.

Gilby Clarke seems to be the Ted McGinley of rock. Looking at his bio on Supernova’s website and it reads as a list of victims, not a resume of bands. You see MC5 and think “wooh” until you notice it is the re-formed MC5. After failing there, he started his own band named Candy and failed again. He released a few solo albums and failed each time. Once Guns N’ Roses had lost most of their original members, in he came like Ted McGinley on Love Boat and, like the Love Boat, GN'R hit an iceberg and sank.

Now these three losers of the metal scene are trying to shortcut the struggle and get right to the fame. They are basically saying that rock is so simplistic and basic that chemistry in a band is not as important as finding the singer America likes best. They have taken the most tv freakshow friendly looking people devoid of talent, think American Idol first 3 weeks, and put them infront of a hundred screaming girls who don't know why they are screaming and ask which one they like the best. Instant top 10 hit in theory I suppose.

Metal is not supposed to be about charts, popularity, and all of that nonsense and these three rock stars should know that. Both Motley Crue and Metallica released their best work when no one was listening but the die hard fans and both still sold albums and sold out tours. In interviews Metallica even used to brag at how well they did without videos and singles. It was greed that killed those bands. It was reality television that made them not mind.

It bothers me that parents don't get upset over the music thier kids listen to anymore. It bothers me that parents don’t mind their kids listening to Blink 182 or Sum 41. It bothers me that Blink 182 and Sum 41 are not bands they should be bothered by. You are not supposed to like your kid’s music. That is where they start to have their own identity. It is when they start to say “no, I do not like that.” That is an important step for kids.

They have prepackaged rebellion. No wonder no one blinked when Bush established “Free Speech Zones”. They have been told how they are allowed to rebel. They are told they don’t have rights, but are never told when they do. They grow up allowing their lockers to be randomly searched for weapons, their backpacks randomly searched for drugs, told when to speak and when not to, and they will grow up not knowing their rights. They grow up expecting to be thought guilty until they prove thier innocence. That bothers me as well.

Metalhead, Punk, Geek, Jock, Princess, Freak, Nobody, etc. These divisions are important. They help kids identify themselves. It helps them learn. It is a natural part of growing up and one of the greatest assets of these groups is that each has their own style, own slang, and own music.

Punk and metal reality shows makes rebellion tame. It takes the ROCK from rock and roll. Metal and Punk were never meant to be mainstream. They were the answer to mainstream and to each other. When the alternative becomes mainstream, where is the edge?

In essence, where are the freaks of the new generation? They are the ones we will be depending on to keep my generation in line when we take over in a few years. Our hippie parents equipped us with the tools to deal with the world. Why are we taking those tools away from our kids?

As Ozzy once sang:

'Cos they don't really know even what they're talkin' about
And I can't image what empty heads can achieve
Leave me alone, don't want your promises no more
'Cos rock & roll is my religion and my law
Won't ever change, may think it's strange
You can't kill rock & roll, it's here to stay

-You Can't Kill Rock n' Roll from Diary of a Madman

Part Three: Princess Diana Monroe

By Kanrei
All you have to do is look at the news and you can see this war will never ever ever end. We have Reuters faking pictures of Israeli jets killing the Lebanese and what does the AP feel the need to report?

Paris Hilton to magazine: I'm celibate
What the hell and wake me up please! This is unreal! This is surreal! This is a bad trip!

The world is on the edge of full fledged World War 3, only this time everyone has big bombs. We have Iraq about to have a Civil war. We have Iran making nukes. We have North Korea testing missiles. We have Israel, Lebanon,and Syria playing pattycake to the death. We can destroy ourselves happily before we even know who did it first. We have the AP and Reuters actually faking news because the truth is just not horrible enough and now we must have our minds assaulted with tales of Paris Hilton's sex life or lack there of!

"I'm not having sex for a year. ... I'll kiss, but nothing else," says Hilton, who told the magazine she has had sex with only two men during her lifetime.

Good! Does this mean I get a full 365 days off from her flashing and peeking and exposing every lens she sees? Besides, we know she is lying. How many of us have 50% of our sexual encounters recorded and stolen? The part that spurred me to rant and rave is this last tidbit of joy from Princess Diana Monroe:

Hilton also told the magazine she collects $500,000 in fees just to show up at parties and other events from Las Vegas to Tokyo. Her best-paying gig, she said, was a recent Austrian appearance.

"I had to say `hi' and tell them why I loved Austria so much," she is quoted as saying.

And why does she like Austria? "Because they pay me $1 million to wave at crowds!"

This clinches her complete lack of merit and value, well merit. It appears value has been devalued. Half a million to show up at a party and a full million just to wave? Glad her talents are so taxed. Years of training I tell you. I know the pain of carpal tunnel.

Is it wave, then smile, then strip? Or is it wave, then strip, then smile? I am positive that Reuters and the AP will have plenty of time to tell us in between faking news stories. They must convice us Paris Hilton is a talent and Mel Gibson was right about the Jews! Bah!


Why am I spending so much time on this nonsense you ask? I have no choice! I am a student of Pop Culture and sometimes that means dealing with the vast stupidity we are capable of. It is my only hope of truely understanding is cultural wasteland of reality television and MTVDisney pop stars! Even the punk is weak!

Hello Sum 41, Blink 182? You are the next sign. Get ready.

Part Two: The Popular Vote

By Kanrei

I think I missed a page somewhere in my life's story. Last time I checked, David Hasselhoff was pretending to be a lifeguard with a talking car or something and Paris Hilton was a barely-dressed reality show star with a tendency to flash photographers. Now I see they both are not just singers, but singers with well reviewed albums?

Were those door-to-door preachers actually right and I died and find myself in Hell? Which flavor of G-d were they selling again and is the offer still good? If you swear it will be eternity with quality entertainment, I will consider your flavor: anything to take me away from a world where Paris Hilton is a pop star.

Has Reality Television so lowered our standards of entertainment that we don't even require, oh let's say TALENT from our stars anymore? I should not say Reality Television. Thanks to that stupid Cancun spring break movie and now two Jackass movies, MTV has spread this horrible disease well beyond the boob-tube. It is an epidemic.

We have gotten to a point where we let Reality shows decide our pop stars, our next big actor, and our freaks? How long until we decide that elections would make a ton of money if we just put them on TV and charged people $0.99 per call?

I can see it now:

"Call as many times as you want. Come on America and pick who will be your next President of the United States! Will it be Bob from Chicago who can balance a refrigerator on his chin? OR will it be Susan from St. Louis who can sing the entire score of "Jesus Christ Superstar" entirely in Greek? The lines are open America."

You may think I am making a joke, but I honestly am not sure if that is a joke or fortune telling. The path we are taking entertainment-wise scares me as a student of history. Right before most empires fall, the citizens take delight in watching the suffering of others. It used to be feeding people to lions, now it is humiliation on television and bad singers pretending to be actors and bad actors being bad singers.

At least no one dies anymore, although if I hear "Stars are Blind" again, that may change. Again, I hope I am joking =D

Part One: Possibilities

By Kanrei

Taylor Hicks is going to perform at the White House.

No, seriously. It appears that the American Idol finalists are going to perform at the White House Middle East Talks Friday, July 28th.

I did not watch American Idol. I am not a fan of reality television, I do not like talent shows, and hate pop music. I see strong connections between American Idol voting and political voting: you know, voting more than once, voting based on likablity instead of skill or talent. (Ok, maybe everything does go back to politics for me.) All I know about Hicks is from that annoying Ford commercial that is currently on television every five minutes. Actually, I only partially know that commercial (thank you TiVo), but I have seen enough to know the pain that is Taylor Hicks performing.

"I get what I want" is certainly Bush's theme, but I do not see how having Hicks perform at the Middle East Talks between Bush and Blair is going to help the situation in the Middle East one iota. Actually, hearing him sing may increase the "Possibilities” of more suicidal people in that region. Thankfully, only Bush, Blair, and a few others will be forced to hear it.

I never knew Peace Talks had half-time shows either. Interesting. Post game will probably be a floor show by the "So You Think You Can Dance" finalists and the National Anthem will be sung by William Hung.